Guess what I'm doing tomorrow?
Becoming a productive member of society?
Sam. Come on.
He told me his condom was going to expire tomorrow and he needed to use it. I can't believe I fell for it.
Yeah the sex got weird after I said "who's your daddy?" and she actually moaned her dads name.
how do i word it so it doesnt sound like im asking him if he has ever been in jail.
i told them to call me paula dean as i was making all 10 for $10 boxes of pizza rolls in the microwave
Now he's trying to use the tornado warnings as an excuse to get head. Yeah, b/c THAT'S the last taste I want in my mouth b4 I die...
She's like the Michael Jordan of alcoholism
Just used "I used to work as an inflatable toy operator" as a pick up line. Freshman frenzy is great...
Do you have any booze?
Well I have 60 feet of bubble wrap and a bottle of wine...but I'm saving that for a special girl...
Heard puking from next door. Looks like the third floor won't be any different than the second.
We're 17 hours into a 3 day weekend, and he's already shitfaced. He fell of the dock TWICE and insisted on wearing a life jacket on dry land.
I just don't fit in here. The other wives are ten years older and have kids!
Well, you chose trophy wife of a 35 year old over college. Sit in your suburban soup and stew.
I'm pretty sure I just gave myself third degree burns from punching my pizza.
Not remembering where I left my grinder before vacation #stonerproblems
is buying liquor on my lunch break too aggressive?
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