I will give everyone a free pointer today. Here it goes, always pee by the house late at night to avoid getting shot by drunk bastards with guns. Never go by the tree line.
It was her first time with a girl so I put on my tegan and Sara playlist to really get the full experience.
lets grab drinks (in a friendly, not super awkward because ive eaten your ass kind of way) sometime soon
wow.
You did a strip tease for the toilet.
I don't think I have but I might've died. If I have then come get me, I'm in the flower bed. And still game.
Oh wow. I almost tweeted #TweetFromTheBackOfACopCarTuesday but I didn't think it was that appropriate
Damn why is there no horse blowjob emoji?
Cheers to being single today. There's an entire box of franzia with my name on it.
"I'm pretty sure all our toasts were to Ben Afflecks penis last night."
sorry for pouring tequila vodka and whiskey down your throat and left you to sleep on a table
I felt like I crashed a wedding. Everyone was dressed so nice and I was covered in actual dirt and a little blood.
I looked like a tiger in heat. He didn't know if I wanted to fuck him or eat him.
I have no idea what happened last night but I sobered up whilst showering with a mop.
Can you come over?
Sex??
Sure but there’s also a squirrel in my garage I need you to take care of.
He literally asked permission to hit on me
Randomize
