ur dog is so gonna tell on us one day.
for doing what?
for smoking bowls out on the deck while your parents aren't home.
she was mega hot - except for the poop under her fingernails
I successfully cooked a taquito with a lighter! My stomach hurts now tho.. im either guna blame it on the undercooked taquito or im feeling guily about porkin my brothers gf a lil bit ago
Knee deep in strippers, everything is comped. will try hard to be there at 8. i promise.
Whoever had sex in my bed during the party last night left a glow in the dark condom on my floor. I'm not even mad anymore, I just want to know who it is so they can tell me where to get one.
Dude apparently i ran into the middle of a half marathon last night and some how won
Best morning ever. I saw a bum giving another bum a blowjob downtown.
It's one of the many facets of my drunken alter egos. I'm like substance abuse batman.
I love our strategizing... I wish we used the same passion for planning our lives and future that we use for planning our drunken escapades... We would both be doctors by now, I swear
Someone had Captain Morgan and orange juice at the same moment I lost my hangover and I just had to give it a try.
Got a text that the fed tax return dropped into my account just before getting on the first leg of my flights the Vegas. Fate? Viva Las Vegas!
It's no shave November. This is our time.
Dicks are not precious.
but if we have a President Trump come Tuesday, I might throw myself off the Walt Whitman Bridge so Thursday might not work for me after all.
I woke up in a bush somewhere in Tucson with a full suit on. Great way to end my birthday.
Randomize
