Haven't eaten in 11 hrs. I am gonna have so much material to talk about with anorexic girls now
Seriously, I'm delusional. Idk how these models even walk on the runway
Scratch that. Lia's boy toy's brother has a gorilla costume. This is gonna be great.
My RA just gave me tips on how to have discreet shower sex. Were we that loud?
She's more than welcome to come too, so long as she has gotten over that me being responsible for the death of her cat thing.
Breakfast=the leftover margarita in my car. Have a great day.
I AM SUCH A BETTER PERSON ON DRUGS
I think my greatest accomplishment today was probably using a bottle opener to get the cap off my fourth drink while holding the cat WITHOUT dropping him.
Oh god, what has my life become?
I hope your face alive. Lemme know if you are breathing in the morning. If not. Whoever is reading this tell me when the funeral for this awesome mother fucker is and we will rage at that event. Kthanksbye
I told the DJ last night to play Third Eye Blind before 1:45 and just pointed at him as I walked away. He didn't do it and at 1:45 I just walked out pointing at him, without my friends
Was so drunk I had to masturbate face up cuz I thought I was gonna be suffocated by the pillows.
Some toppless girl just walked past me in the hall and gave me half a carton of smokes. I have never been more aroused.
Rumor has it that you want to bring me soup in exchange for a blow job.
And today, on Faces I'd Like to Sit On .... The starting line up of the German National Football team
If you ever tell anyone I offered you boob squeezes for cheetos, I'll kill you
I just bought a handle of tequila and a breakfast burrito. I might be out of money for the weekend, but at least I have the necessities covered.
Randomize
