12 pack with dinner. Living by yourself is awesome.
Do you realize that Last night you pissed in my closet and then walked to the bathroom to wash your hands?
Stop blaming waffle house for all your problems
If we were unicorns we would fly together. Like in a pack. A pack of flying unicorns.
And the best part is I don't remember putting the condom in my pocket! Angels officially exist
He wrote on the paper that he wanted a "Ptitty burreto" from taco bell...when we ordered it the girl paused and entered "Potatoe burrieto"....we laughed
Can I steal her, take her home, and feed her only vodka?
I wasn't trying to be rude when I hurriedly walked past you, but I can not put in to words exactly how bad I had to shit.
Will you be my therapist? I don't want to tell me secrets to a strange person and be judged all over again when you have already taken the time to do it. Oh and I will pay you with alcohol
This is the third time my roommate and I have drunkenly hooked up. I'm starting to think she's not as straight as she says she is.
I need to see you idiots before I go back to school. But we shouldn't snort Crown Royal this time.
I'm just now starting to feel better... I remembered sleeping on the floor. I was peeing and saw his rug and it looked so comfy
He just stopped me mid blow job so he could text his wife asking for TacoBell.
I planned out my poor life choices for the weekend.
I know how to kill a man with nutmeg and a sword. You in?
Or nah
Randomize
