I slayed a troll last night at BC guess i thought i was back in college
he texted me at 1 in the morning to ask if i wanted to come over and play in the snow with him
at least he gets points for a creative booty call
He came into the hospital yelling "HEY EVERYBODY! REMEMBER ME?"
ugh i can't even wear this perfume anymore. it just brings back blurry memories of blowjobs and regret.
bad sex. bad bad bad. it was like trying to pick up an overcooked noodle with an empty pringles can. why do these guys always seem to find me?
A pack of naked men just sprinted down the street screaming in German. It's 5 AM.
Must say, as a couple, she and I are thrilled that our pretend lesbianism has paid off.
She is so graceful and lady-like, like a swan... On meth
he's dressing as a chick for halloween. of course i'm gonna make him get his legs professionally waxed. how is this even a question?
Yeah but sometimes your vagina needs to be fed and when we are drunk we tend to eat junk food
Was it you that ate my bacon or do I have to rip my roommate's face off?
I'm here. Help me get the salsa and bong inside.
It's hard not to feel like a terrible person with bruises on your tits.
Drank vodka clubs for 6 hours last night. Holy shit just realized that.
Why is the microwave staring at me?!
Randomize
