Yea I just took my 1st pregnancy test. Turns out I am just fat. Also I haven't been with anyone in 3 months, which is clearly making me crazy.
Last night Brynn convinced every person at the party wearing glasses that they stole hers, and she woke up with 8 pairs of prescription glasses in her bag.
i just set an alarm for noon. fuck yes winter break.
just fought my dog for the chicken pie I dropped on the floor.
Today might be the day that I legitimately throw up in my saxophone.
Its a bummer that corporate america doesn't believe in $2 u call its on a Sunday night
dude she looked like Newman from Seinfeld I'm done with this wingman shit
Can you explain to me how i got kicked out of a bar last night, from outside the bar?
Note to self, stop going out with self absorbed bisexuals
You HAVE to stop telling me about the shit you do drunk. I can't be both your brother AND your gay friend.
Fine line between drunken accidental sleepover with your best friend's lab partner and gay sexathon. I did a cartwheel over that line. A CARTWHEEL THAT LANDED IN HIS LAP
The fact that you got a stranger guy to buy you a pizza off tinder makes me feel amazing
Maybe not Elvis quality pharmaceuticals...But some good stuff
We were making out on the floor and his 13 year old beagle crawled in between us & just sat there...I got cockblocked by an ancient beagle named Bubba
Somehow, you looked so classy chugging that bottle of wine last night.
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