I was being carried out of the bar, but then my friend saw Pat who just got kicked out scaling the wall to sneak back in, so he carried me back in, sat me on the bar stool, and the bartender just let us all keep drinking.
Being persistent has its perks my friend.
how come the more i say "don't get it in my eyes," the more gets in my eyes
time to smoke my breakfast
We waited til after. Not even drunk sex felt right during a Disney movie.
Rent Disney Oceans. Smoke a bowl. Fast forward to the seal section. Then call me.
She just referred to her vagina as "this bitch".
I just threw out a whole Christmas ham, 12 positive pregnancy tests, 3 empty vodka bottles and by ex boyfriends Latina porn collection in the same garbage bag. The homeless person who goes through the bins tonight knows I have nothing left to loose.
my mom was by far the drunkest one there. best impromptu wednesday afternoon party ever
god. I was just thinkin about the fact that there was a time in our life when we didn't drink.
And, through a series of unfortunate events, I am at my grandmothers birthday party in a short dress and no underwear
Nothing says "lifelong friendship" like FaceTiming in a sex shop.
Do you remember our dinosaur noises from last night ? Breaaaahhhhhppp
Rule #61 of being a lady: never get fingered by a finger with a knuckle tattoo
My neighbor is burning all of her ex's things in a metal drum outside the window. Guess who's going to make a new friend?
Fruitcakes are only good for throwing at neo Nazis.
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