I love how my brain works. It's like being on drugs without the costly upkeep.
I love how all these freshman girls think that they can wear what they wore last summer... freshman 15 at its skankiest
Just checked my recent transactions online. Between the hours of 1 and 3am on September 30th, I went to 7/11 4 times. Unacceptable.
you looked at me, pointed to a car and silently said "the elephant parks here".
Spent 200 bucks on a stripper for a good night hug. I give up.
Voted patient of the month again at the urgent care. I need to rethink my life choices.
Kriste-san. Brian-sensai going to sleepy times acturry. Kriste-grasshopper will spend fun-fun times with Brian-sensai and glorious redbox movie tomorrow yes?
Most creative movie date proposition... ever.
THEIR PENISES MATCH. I JUST REALISED THAT. THEY HAVE IDENTICAL DICKS. OH GOD.
You left a motherfucking bruise. ON MY TIT. How? How do you even. No.
I walked a mile in this weather wearing nothing but a toga. Zero fucks. Your move Mother Nature.
I air guitared a man's prosthetic leg on the bar to Bruce Springsteen. That's how it's going
Your skill with memes is vaguely frightening
And you know what the worst part is? Because of him I can now relate to a goddamn Taylor Swift song. FUCK. MY. LIFE.
I just put on the jeans I was wearing last night and pulled 4 baby carrots out of my back pocket....
I just kept eating and watching him slide down the stairs head first
Randomize
