Don't really want to talk about it. You were right. She had a whole jar of toenail clippings on her nightstand that she chews on "when her fingernails are too short." Direct quote.
When we ran out of red solo cups we switched to Starbucks cups for beer pong... Who doesn't want to live in Seattle?
I'm at McDonalds and when I walked up to the register the guy said "I'm so sorry." Before I said a word. That's how bad my hangover is.
My mom seriously just told me my insurance company pays for rehab. In an email. I expect a real, not just us joking, intervention coming on. I'm not accepting a "lunch date" with that bitch.
Just got a lecture from Dad about how I need to be more responsible and start buying my weed in larger quantities so that i can save money. Like he was serious and kind of disappointed in me for not adapting to his method earlier.
i woke up to the sound of my dad getting blown. this is my life
Tonights drinking will be celebratory and victorious. Picture the end of The Mighty Ducks set to beer.
"But puppies!" Is not an acceptable excuse for trying to drunkenly steal someone's dog, you promiscuous midget!!
Tell me I'm the only person you know who could punch someone at the bar, get escorted out, smoke a cig with the cop who almost arrested me AND get the security guy who escorted me out to buy me drinks.
He is what would appear if the douche troop all had rings and we summoned someone like the Captain Planet kids.
It is a bad day indeed when you learn that your boy toy looks better in your dresses than you do
We were taking body shots by lunch. I love college.
I've had sex with three people who have this birthday.
she's throwing knives it scares me
update: broke ceiling. glass everywhere
I can still taste your cum in my mouth and my in-laws are coming over. This should go well.
Randomize
