Note to self. Never fart in a tanning bed
Anything that's based on a blow job I'm in favor of.
Apple Jack is not a good idea for breakfast. Whiskey can't replace milk.
Dude..masurbate with cocoa butter lotion..its like cocoa pebbles just gave me a hand job
There is a girl in my drunk limo who hasn't seen an uncircumcised penis. Hook me up with a picture.
Call me old fashioned but i like to drunk dial a girl 2 or 3 times before sending a dick pic
Guess who has two thumbs and just fell outta his car and almost peed himself
I couldn't sleep so I took 4 shots of vodka and promptly threw up in the sink. Happy Thursday
Ugh I need to clean my floors/walls/ I actually don't understand why boys get drunk and pee on things
Next time one of us has a party everybody has to wear a diaper. But actually you just need a shit ton of disinfectant wipes and maybe a hazmat suit.
Side note, from now on any snap chat I get that isn't interesting enough... Is getting a dick in response. Judge your snaps accordingly
He called me baby cakes during sex... Can U not
My moms new boyfriend looks like Stu Pickles if he was in a biker gang. He gave me free coke though, so come party?
Awake! can you bring me my pants...im under the couch
I don't care. We're going to fuck. And I WONT apologize in the morning. You cheated on me, so you can cheat on her with me.
that sounds horrible...
what could possibly go wrong attempting to re-enact the dinosaur capture scene from Jurrasic Park... I have the net gun and camcorder you have the dino costume and can run
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