I woke up to him trying to put his dick in my mouth. When I asked him what he was doing he said he was trying to make me stop snoring...
just woke up and this girl had my cellphone nestled in the front of her thong. i kept thinking "is this a trap?"
all i could think was her face looked like a farm accident
the crazy preacher outside Willard just began a monologue that began with "when i look at a vagina." We should stop by there more often
Dude, she told me she wanted to bang my dad. I don't know which is worse, the fact that she wants to or the fact that she told me.
I woke up to an email from Groupon for 3 laser lipo treatments...on Valentine's Day...way to kick me when I'm down Groupon.
There're making snowcones with the leftover vodka from last night. This is not the time to be making up excuses!
How do we turn this unicorn pinata into a bong?
I think I reached some stage of aging, have a sore/injured shoulder from sex, next up carpal tunnel from sexting.
Do you know how hard it is to be while you're high with a chuck Norris poster in the bathroom?
And they're not making a turkey. My cousin was "hoping to shoot a bird this week"
UPS just delivered me 30lbs of dried cherries... I shouldn't be allowed online when I take painkillers.
Dude I turned down free booze. I think I'm growing as a person.
This is the third time this month a guy I’m not dating has dumped me. How is this even possible???
Ok so I need a recap of last night...
YOU SPENT SIX DOLLARS AT NICKEL BEER NIGHT!!! How's that
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