i wish they had a 'baby daddy' section in halmark, like, "hey, i know you didn't want this child and you're doing a horrible job, but here's to making you cry on fathers day"
I literally just watched a girl motorboat herself
We are like the golden girls with less cheesecake and more drugs.
I brought him to this party even though we're not together anymore because we made a bet on who would have sex first, and it is a sausage fest up in here.
I vaguely remember you trying to make me a casserole with marshmallows and a can of beer.
The last time you said "no one will know" is when you ran out of sprite at your birthday party and dumped a handle of straight up vodka into the jungle juice.
Breakfast-of-shame with my mother. I was in half of a sexy Mad Hatter costume. We had artisan bagels and judgement.
My only expectation is honesty. And three orgasms every time.
Umm... How do I tell my roommate someone shot a speargun through the wall? On a side note, cliff shot a speargun for the first time.
There is no amount of alcohol that can make me forget I had a Jimmy Kimmel sex dream
my favorite sex position is the one where no sex actually happens we just get really stoned and eat a lot and watch netflix in the dark
Can I just lay in bed and you pour vodka through a funnel in my mouth?
I just tripped over a but plug that was on the floor. It's 430 in the morning
I think I had Hypothermia but was too drunk to notice.
Also I found $40 in the women's bathroom at ihop. Karma is finally kicking in!
Randomize
