i waited two years for her to sleep with me. it just didnt seem worth it.
she lost her virginity three hours after you dumped her.
are you serious?
First rule of pills: If you can't remember what it is, take half.
thats the last time I fuck a piece of fruit on camera for him.
Seriously? Time stamp. 2:31 AM. And I am taking self potraits with a tree. Betty Ford anyone?
He sent a pic, I sent one back. Then nothing. It's like we sext-messaged goodbye and ended the relationship.
This is the moment in my life where I take a fork in the "nice guy" road ive traveled for 23 years and fuck everything in sight that doesnt have herpes, or is in-between flare ups and I don't know about it until my dick is on fire.
So there I was praying he didn't go limp again, choking on a long, long gray ball hair. This is my Saturday night. This. Is. My. Life.
By getting lucky do you mean I get one of your incredible BJs or you not killing me by the end of dinner?
My mind just played a snippet of me asking to be a Joey and trying to climb into your apron pocket...
Well I'm in a stranger's bed.
Gotta leave to watch the Lions
did you just try to prove your straightness by quoting a lady gaga song?
I have bruises all over my legs. Did I hit a car with my bike last night?
I explained to him that me turning straight is a once a year thing. And this boy just happens to be the chosen one.
I'm so drunk I forgot what to do to go pee.
Why are there 17 orders of shrimp lo mein in the bathtub?
Randomize
