did you wind up at some random place? and do you remember face planting into the fireplace?
He asked me to sit on his face, but i didnt, for 2 reasons, one, i had just pooped like 20 mins before sex, and two, this could be my future husband. so i skipped on sitting.
Question. If Kwik Trip and Kum and Go were to merge, what would they call it? Kwik Kum or Kum Kwik?
so explain to me why i woke up in jail this morning
because you opened a jar or pickles and a bag of fritos and layed down in the middle of aisle 7 while singing 'la cucaracha'
no more ever clear
closing bar tabs have helped me with simple math in college.
I got carried out by security last night. AND the taxi had to drive up onto the sidewalk to get me i was that drunk.
I don't care how fucking drunk you are, you don't forget wanting to shove a wine bottle up someone's ass.
By cross-referencing our messages & her Twitter feed, I've deduced that she was eating spaghetti the whole time we were sexting.
His pillow talk sucks. It was like Mr. Roger's vagina.
She just asked to come over. She's either going to bring one of her dads guns and kill me or we're going to end up having insane lesbian sex.
Nothing says "single girl" quite like Pinot Grigio and canned ravioli at 11:30 pm....
Jamie's fucking a senior citizen and I'm eating chips and salsa in the shower at 2am, so whatever you're doing it can't be worse.
I've Ubered to the bar three times this weekend to get my car but every time I get there I end up drinking. Still no car.
Hiding in a kitchen with no pants orange juice abs a pillow...please joun
I haye tequella
Woke up snuggling with a large wooden rhino that I stole last night...obviously, we had fun.
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