my grandpa was trying to put butter into the pepsi and i'm like "grandpa what are you doing" and he looks down and goes "well i guess that wouldn't taste good anyway"
I hate it when I can only see straight when I close one eye. I feel like that deserts the purpose of seeing with two eyes
I don't know where I am but there are firefighters
You ruined his night from a different state? Impressive.
We found you passed out clutching your purse. There was 16oz of unopened cheddar cheese inside. You just kept saying SALSA YES.
Didn't know what to wear so I ripped off my bed sheets and tied myself a toga. "a little hungover" is no way to describe me right now.
There was an Altoids can full of urine in the bathroom. I do not want to know what was going on in there.
You guys bombarded us in the bathroom and that kid whipped his dick out and peed in the sink.
You're an asshole. I don't want your dick as my background. I'll look like I have a thumb fetish.
What eyeshadow color says "yes I am at the dentist, and yes I am hungover please don't judge my life choices"
I'm either a high functioning alcoholic or I'm making the most of the fact that this is the last year that its socially acceptable to be black-out drunk five days a week.
i just hope we're both dead or in prison at the same time
You gave me the best orgasm of my life. I'm buying you a house
Also you know what's irritating? When the guy you're sleeping with refuses to like any of your Instagram posts
Nice people suck dick too. I'm proof.
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