Dude, I just saw a bird vs. squirrel fight. A car won.
She tried to keep her legs crossed last night while doing a keg stand. Way to keep it classy.
just got carried INTO the bar by 4 people. it's like watching my weekend in reverse.
Before you ask, yes. Whatever you're wearing IS too slutty for his mom's funeral.
I went to the gas station and the lady goes I remember you. Broken sunglasses and puke on your car.
They installed a lotion dispenser in the bathroom at work... its like they want me to masturbate on the clock...
I sent him a pic of my tits and he said "Word." I need a drink.
Holding a cold bottle of mikes hard lemonade against my pulverized taint....this is my Sunday night
My mom asked me if I ever go on dates. I had to suppress the urge to ask if having casual sex with a freshmen counts as dating
easter 2014 is on 4/20 THIS IS NOT A DRILL YOUR FAMILY WILL EXPECT YOU TO BE HOME AND SOBER I REPEAT THIS IS NOT A DRILL
As soon as I got there, you appeared out of no where, yelled "they're giving away free cigarettes!" in my face and then disappeared and I didn't see you the rest of the night.
I went shopping for a dress that was baptism and bar appropriate.
Every guy I've ever fucked is single right now
Pray for me
He turned on read receipts specifically so i'd know he was ignoring me.
Just because I'm sleeping with him doesn't mean I'm in love with him, it means that I want to have sex with someone who isn't a serial killer.
Randomize
