I seriously wish I was FB friends with her
Ed hardy makes air fresheners now. Now even the air can be a douchebag.
He picked me up from the airport wearing nothing but a trench coat and a bow on his dick
My vagina is depressed thinking about her future.
You decided that walking wasn't in the cards for you anymore
I got an assistant at work. First task was picking me up at a strip club. I was drunk and trying explain how it was work related
Her delivery came. She's ordered a pack of 144 condoms.
Sorry was covered in semen when you texted me. Just walking back from the Harvard Club
All you needed to say was one of those sentences and the other would've been implied.
I haven't been that free with the boobs since I was 19. I'm putting them away for a while.
If you insist
The one guy literally flopped my boob out. Yes I insist.
The fact that he offered to stop once he stuck it in my ass was sadly the most considerate thing anybody's ever done for me.
I say camping because "let's go get hammered in the woods" sounds kinda fucking weird to be honest.
Waking up early to fuck the hot DILF the day before Father's Day because I'm respectable like that
I'm supposed to be at work in 10 min, I just woke up and am 45 min away...tinder for the win
She was a little thick, but we banged on the beach and fireworks went off as we finished so I think God wanted it
Alright, I've had enough of this good girl shit. Tonight you either blackout or backout.
Randomize
