Hard rock hotel, wtf why am i still out, im gonna fuk 5 chix 2nite .maybe
her boobs were like sundried tomatoes..
i awoke yet another morning with penis breath. ive been so generous santa has to bring me a shit ton of presents
Haha so I huess that means he's a little over 7. I can use my throat as a ruler!!
One less school supply you need to buy!!
He gave me a promise ring. He promised that he will imagine me as every girl he fucks in college.
He was supposed to take me to a nice dinner, but istead all he did was get drunk and throw lit fireworks at me.
Hey I think I found part of your tooth next to your wine bottle in the floor board of my car.
Im covered in vodka and melted gummys. Fuck summer.
I used a jello pudding cup as a shot chaser last night. I'm the Bill Cosby of alcoholics
Alright if I email the police department asking for my mug shot do you think they will email it to me
must go to store soon wiping with panty liner ugh
The lady that was sitting beside me thought the best way to cheer herself up was to pet and ruffle my hair while crying and telling me her problems...
I never imagine I'd say this, but can I ask Jeff for the butt plugs back even though it was a gift and we broke up?
Just took an Adderall with Pedialyte so I think that's a valid answer to "how are you doing"
sorry i got drunk at sunday brunch and force fed carrot sticks to your cat
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