Dude, just got a bummer.
What??
A blow job from a homeless chick.
I'm in that akward stage between jailbait and cougar
They had a "who can aim further away from the toilet" contest. I'm now washing piss off my ceiling.
Truth be told I was googling "why is my left calf bigger than my right calf", porn would've been a better excuse for a virus.
It's not really the holidays until I raid the medicine cabinet. Happy hydrocodone to me
And a merry methadone to all
Only Jon could get an entire commuter train to chant "Ride! Jon! Home!" to get a girl in bed.
Drunk me obviously wants to fuck up my life
It's like I have an arch nemesis, and it's me
You wanted to go find him and we told you to sit down cause you kept stumbling. You yelled " I CAN STAND!! It's the walking part I can't figure out!"
The best part of the night was you shouting "I have to take the LSAT tomorrow" between shots of fireball.
Who the fuck gets injured on a merry-go-round? HOW IS IT POSSIBLE??
Thank you, BTW, for defiling my bed. Glad it was done well.
you were trying to drink the laundry detergent and yelling blue drankkkkk
just caught myself putting beer in the oven and pizza in the fridge. i should be a trainwreck by tonight.
I definitely almost just pulled a condom out of my purse instead of money for my dad.
You is single now. The world is your ass buffet.
Randomize
