stuffed animals make me feel really maternal.
I just woke up and shes still asleep next to me with her vibrator inside her and on. Whats normal protocol for this situation?
Just promise me we won't die tonight. I can't have an autopsy report that reads "stomach contents: Tequila and semen."
and on the second day it was tequilla tuesday. and the lord saw it was good.
I five year old is judging me because I just opened a bottle of Sam Adams with my teeth before 8am
There was definitely a significant amount of cookie dough in my bra
i have an important question...can you drink in jail?
Just got hit on by a 50 year old Englishman who is now swapping drunken racing stories with my mom. Live Mariachi band in the background. How's that for a wake?
tanning, a slurpee, and a cigarette. spa day college edition
So... I may have accidentally just sat on a strip of a home waxing kit.. naked... Assistance is definitely needed....
I don't know what's worse. The fact that my biological mother is an unwitting bigamist, or the fact that my half sister is trying to seduce my girlfriend.
I went to BBQ fest on Wednesday and came home wearing a different shirt, so I think I did some good damage.
I LACK THE NECESSARY BRAIN FUNCTIONS TO BE ABLE TO PROPERLY RESPOND TO THAT
Dude, he came to our house with a beer can in his hand dressed up in a chicken suit screaming, "free eggs!" then threw up and passed out in the front yard.
Got home. Somebody tried to sell me weed on the street. I've never had to try so little to find a dealer before.
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