im going to pretend im pregnant so i can eat a lot then i will accidentally fall down the stairs
God is so good, I would give him a blow job right now.
I got a bikini wax for the first time today and I think I now understand feminism.
It just feels wrong masturbating with my neighbor's cat in my apartment
Trying to figure out if I'm the second dude she hooked up with yesterday. I feel like a consolation prize
THE MIME IS MIMING TO BUST A MOVE KARAOKE. ALL MIME-RELATED EVENTS DESERVE CAPS LOCK
There are 27 signatures on my ass. What the hell happened last night?
Every time someone made a cup you congratulated them by letting them sign your ass.
We did it in the bathroom in Taco Bell. We didn't buy anything before we left, which I thought was rude.
All i really wanna do tonight is get drunk with you and dance on tables. is that too much to ask?
She crossed her eyes and threw up into a glass while sitting at the bar. It was fifty shades of sketchy dude.
I knew you were blacked out when you started refusing beer.
Made a holiday JibJab of all my fucks. How's your night?
I was gonna start crying but as he was asking me for my info i saw him eyeing my rack. So I sorta started pushing them together. He asked me to get out of the car he made me turn around so he could check me out and then he said and I quote "okay ma'am. Everything is fine, I'm going to let you off with a warning. Next time if you're not wearing yoga pants you might not be as lucky" I am blessed.
Started out playing table tennis then ended up fucking him on the table. Happy cinco de mayo
As we were walking to her place she stole a pizza from the delivery guy's car and when we got home she grabbed a slice, two beers, removed her pants, and said "call of duty?" im going to marry her
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