He cooked the food on a paper plate in the oven.
i just noticed 4 flies in my red wine. i drank them.
You put a thong on my pumpkin didn't you.
I woke up with a Nike swoosh shaved into my chest hair. my friend got 3 stitches. my phone had a text that simply read "fuck you". I say it was a good party.
My phone really needs to stop auto correcting "library" to "ovary".
Look, I said I'm sorry. In the shower, "are you happy to see me" sounded just like "could you please pee on me". Honest mistake.
btw I told him that the only way he was gonna get to eat you out was if he smothered your vag with grits..
You know what's awkward? Being with your girlfriend and seeing her ex-boyfriend that she left for you while you've got a Ron Burgundy level awkward boner.
I found her in my pantry with her shirt off twerking...I tapped her on the shoulder and she said she was giving Chef Boyardee a show and to give her a minute...
I just want to go home and eat bagel bites in my underwear
Drunk me really needs to stop 1. telling every attractive dude in a relationship that monogamy isn't real 2. Proposing threesomes with them and their girlfriends
FYI telling a guy that you're glad his dick isn't big after giving him a bj, is NOT a compliment.
He came into my room last night and started peeing underneath my desk, I told him the bathroom was the next door over.
Hitting up all my dealers for my birthday grams is paying off
My boyfriend's mom is the manager of Wendy's. The same one I took a pregnancy test in.
Randomize
