I need to shower the guilt off of my thighs.
He told me he doesn't dance and he hates drunken excitement. Why I ever thought it would work is beyond me.
Succesfully slept on the roof at work for 3.5 hours without getting caught. I need a promotion
If I take diet pills with my edibles I'll be a perfect person
DAMMIT. BOHEMIAN RHAPSODY IS GONNA GET STUCK IN MY HEAD AGAIN. FUCK YOU OLYMPICS.
Pretty sure I picked a cat up off the street and took him home with me, fed him tuna, then let him go
I don't need my coworkers thinking I'm a nutcase.
You gift wrapped a tampon.
I should become a firefighter. Who uses his cock to fight fires. Like a Superhero.
After fooling around at the hotel til dawn, I managed to feed her with my free buffet passes. Tastes like sweet victory.
This country song on the radio just had a rap break. What. No. Why.
Idk how much of a virgin he is but I'm tryna find out.
He shampooed and conditioned his pubes but can't manscape for shit.
Something I never want to forget. I'm in a porta potty and she is outside knocking on the door going "You're a queen. You're a queen. Never think any different"
you had her IN YOUR BED NO PANTS AND YOU GAVE HER THW BOOT?!?!?!
Stage five clinger bro. had to go.
You don't need yoga. You need a boyfriend! Trust me I've become all sorts of flexible this past year.
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