I just had a dude tell me how he got fired from friendly's for tripping a kid and followed the story with "If i'm gonna do it, I do it big."
i just jacked off to lindsey vonn, i feel so patriotic
USA! USA! USA!
you should have seen his reaction to my boobs, it was like he just met god
I just called him "young grasshopper" in a conversation. THIS is why I don't get numbers when I'm sober
the only way I will be happy is if my gallon spiderman bucket is full of either popcorn, nutella and peanut butter, or fried rice. CHOOSE WISELY.
Mom brought home a 36 pack of Smirnoff and was all "ring any bells?" and then winked. I'm scared. What does she know?
I just did a drunk experiment to find out what it looks like when you turn a burner on the stove on while wearing night-vision goggles. I may be blind in my right eye now.
I left my bra and a book at his place. He's a hot Scandinavian who is into physics and computers - had to step up my game.
It must suffice lest there secretly exist a picture of me walking out of the ocean at midnight naked and half mast with a sea urchin on my ass
You gotta start bringing a flask to work so you can get a head start
Possibly a very genius or very terrible idea...
also, sleeping with your chipotle guy sounds like a good idea until you want chipotle on your day off and have to look somewhat presentable to acquire said chipotle.
Best day ever, my junk is bigger than Kate Uptons boyfriends. Yay for Fappening day!
My diet fell off the wagon when I began texting the pizza delivery guy my location on frat row.
I feel like your boyfriend deserves to know that you're a lesbian.
I should've known a straight guy wouldn't know all the words to Moana
Randomize
