did you know that the clit is basically just a tiny penis? Ya.. So just think about that next time you're down there.
I just spent $27 on things to pee on.
I got drunk and applied for two credit cards last night. About to find out if anyone in this world is still dumb enough to give me credit.
Wait time out. Did I start last night with pants?
OMG stoned with flashing lights behind me, I was freaking out until I realized I wasn't driving my couch
He called the drink "The Annexation of Puerto Rico". He wouldn't tell us whats in it but said that we should all fear for our lives. Let's do this.
He raised his arm and dropped it in his sleep to smack himself awake. He knows his phone has an alarm clock right?
You know how I said I'd never worry about my roommate? Well I just walked in on her masturbating to Star Trek.
Did she boldly cum where no one has cum before?
Other than my penis smelling like an ashtray, it went really well.
It's 4 am here and I just vomited myself awake....Not rising OR shining any time soon
I should have listened to my dad and mean girls... If you have sex you'll get pregnant and die.
We were in bed, and he looked at me and asked if I'd be weirded out if he took his leg off. BEST.SEX.EVER.
Just zoned back in to real life and found myself chanting "noodle eater noodle eater noodle eater" at my parrot as he devoured a single macaroni
Had a dream I was doing scat with Caroline. I need to lay off the cheese at night
she wouldnt leave because they were playing One Direction. I'm dating a thirteen year old.
Randomize
