oh and i feel obligated to inform you that there will be no sexin' because it's 'lady time' for me. so this ain't a booty call.
those are the first brownies ive had since i was 13 that didnt have weed in them.
well, if it werent for her you wouldnt have gotten a handjob in the middle of the bar. so, maybe you should thank her too.
my summer class's final was canceled bc it interfered with the world cup. he is giving us all A's on it. I love europe
I just want to apologize for screaming when I saw you the other day. It's just that you looked really gross and I was high.
normally i wouldnt have blown him but he was on dawsons creek.. i love dawsons creek.
I couldnt give him head when all I could hear was his little brother playing the piano and this family singing along to it.
Also, my drunkenly packed sleepover kit consisted of a singular sock, my uncharged laptop, and a pack of post-it notes.
Rub those nipples and moan like a platypus.
Jesus, are you hammered?
Hammered for that juicy ass. I'll bring the straws.
He came over drunk in a speedo i told him he has my vote he said who are you voting for when i said obama he took off running and shouting i was worthless like an empty beer can
Feels like someone put a cigar out where my butthole used to live
The words "me," "sober," and "new years eve" do not go together. Ever.
Who told you that acid and Jurassic World was a good idea?
dont remember, but I'm pretty sure I was convinced that the hybrid dinosaur was satan the whole time. It was actually very spiritual
Just got the test results back; apparently I'm red-green colorblind. this explains the past 18 years of my life and i'm wondering why i didn't realize this sooner
Sorry for not calling you back. I got drunk and passed out on the kitchen floor. I just found my phone in the shower.
Randomize
