Vanessa Carlton's songs would be so much better if she was pretty
Living well is not the best revenge. Fucking his brother is.
Eating nacho cheese off the carpet. How is your morning?
Feels like I ran a marathon last night. A tequila marathon.
but seriously, an anthropology paper shouldn't be hard if you're trashed, right?
how did you set a fucking salad on fire????????
So the tow truck driver didn't charge us because Ian convinced him that he was sent out by God to share his cocaine with us.
Nah, I was done when the Big Pun lookalike began to sob and tell me I looked like his ex...
This is the second time you've stolen a pet when you're drunk, given it back and cashed in on a reward...I think you have a problem
Gotta pay my student loans some way
There is a man in my bed with "new zealand" tattooed on his back. Wtf happened last night?
Nothing says "sober up, you whore" quite like an early morning PAP smear.
You drank the pool water to get rid of your hiccups
YOUR MANICOTTI IS FULL OF LIES
Sorry i meant to send that to my mom
Look at us. Planning our business meeting. Including snacks like shrooms & trail mix.
It's not christmas until we're acting sober in front of grandma
Randomize
