I'm pretty sure my roommate has taken plan B more times than i've had sex. Not sure how that makes me feel.
Woman walking into toby keith concert: 8 months pregnant, black eye, shirt on that has a picture of a boot and the words "we'll put a boot up your ass" with an american flag printed over--the sleeves were ripped off and she had a camo cowboy hat. Greatest thing I've ever seen.
She wants out first dance to be to 98 degrees i do cherish you...remember how i said we didn't need open bar....
If it wasn't obvious enough to the cops that she was drunk, she threw in, "I like the colors of the lights because it makes purple."
Our halfway to Halloween party needs to never happen again. There were waaayy too many wasted cartoon characters passed out in my living room this morning...
Hey so I just want to get straight to the point it was me who ate the last cupcake and it was your sister who I fucked last nigt
You called your ex's vag an "AIDS Pinata". Drunk You is the Hulk Hogan of insults.
I found your knife. It was stuck in my bedroom ceiling.
So I feel like I should feel objectified by your comment about my boobs but instead I just feel proud. 21ST CENTURY FEMINISM, BABY
Come to office depot with me I need help picking out a daily planner that will help me keep all of my casual sex dates organized.
Try explaining "the nature of your relationship" to a cop when your fuck buddy vandalized your car. Priceless.
Do you know that you can buy Cialis in Mexico? Best. Honeymoon. Ever.
Ugh, I should just give up, and fuck him in a parking lot, and shave my head and walk naked through the streets of King's Landing.
Your boyfriend being in jail is really helping my social life! #GotASingleDrinkingBuddyAgain
Oh god establish a safe word
I'm going to! Pineapple.
Randomize
