I rubbed one out into an envelope and mailed it to her. Game point, I win.
She has 260 profile pics. In 260 she's ugly and in 255, she's making the peace sign with her hands...
there really is only one way to give a PowerPoint presentation in your senior capstone class: still drunk.
i had to pay fifty dollars for throwing up in the limo, 60 fucking dollars to throw up all over myself
he's got a countert top full of yard sale blenders so id say maragita wednesdays is a go.
Still borderline I believe. As bad as this sounds, I feel God owes me one here and should not let his grandmother die till after my birthday
Real reason I can't work: it's Tuesday. I get stoned and watch buck Rodgers in Tuesday.
Jesus Christ you're perfect.
It's kind of awesome I can smoke with my parents and tell them about thetime we used listerine in that bong
How drunk do you think I'll be by the time I get home?
I just watched you drink a whole glass of wine through a Twizzler. Pretty drunk.
My tights ended up on the driveway folded neatly. Any ideas how that happened?
I think your husband is breaking up with me...
MEG JUST LICKED A DRAIN PIPE. DAVE PUNCHED MATT IN THE THROAT. ALL BOUNDARIES ARE DOWN. I REPEAT. ALL BOUNDARIES ARE DOWN.
I'm just trying to win a butt plug dude
Drunk is not a location!
I just had the polyamorous Canadian hockey player do the splits while naked in a handstand at my apartment just now. And yes, I know it’s 1:30am on a Thursday.
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