I puked a lego.
i'm going to be one of those im-wearing-a-shirt-as-a-dress girls today. dont make fun of me, i need laid
I saw a chick at 8 am this morning walking back to my dorm wearing wings... I'm kind of jealous.
Taking jello shots out of a big bowl from a measuring spoon. holla atcha boy.
You suck. You're fired. I need to find a less reasonable voice-of-reason.
I found a sock full of anal beads in my dryer. At least she washes them.
Someone jacked my earrings off me or I threw em in the toilet again
I hate when that happens
When you put it that way it sounds like my vagina is a parking garage to be monitored by security guards
I've already reverted to sweat pants. And lonely drinking.
Seriously, this trumpet player gives me chills. Might be the drugs.
Her car is covered in frozen vomit, and she lost her iPhone. I'm also pretty sure I smoked crack last night. Rest in peace 2014.
Take off your clothes and see if he wants to have sex, that's a good way to find out
Far be it from me to tell you where you store your dildos but from an interior decorating standpoint not fucking there
She woke up next me in bed and told me to stop driving so fast.
Emergency thong? Check! Suspension bondage is a go!
Randomize
