How the fuck did I get small bruises all over my body?
Well you were laying on the couch naked after the girls left, staring into space, and I went over to the pool table and threw every ball as hard as I could at you from point blank range . You didn't flinch, blink, or scream for any of them. next time maybe you won't fuck my girl while I'm taking a shit
And dont tell me its his job to cockblock me just because he's my boyfriend.
I think she faked a seizure to get out of it ...
Im in the STD packet for new students this year. And im going to be plastered tonight so be forewarned
She literally just cut half her hair off because she's tired of asking someone to hold it back when shes drunk and puking.
Can I steal her, take her home, and feed her only vodka?
Judging by the garbled spelling in the calendar reminders in my phone, drunk me really wanted sober me to take a pregnancy test today.
I was peeing in the bathroom at this house party when a guy just casually stumbles out of the shower
I picked a bad day to wear the catch me fuck me shoes.
Did someone catch you and fuck you?
I have fuck me eyes 4/5 people agree. It's like doctors or dentists but with ppl who have lots of sex and know these things.
On the plus side, I know I'm allergic to latex now. Like really fucking allergic
I'm standing up, for my all my brothers and sisters, and fighting against whiskey dick.
Currently at a bar observing the mating patterns of drunken people in their 60s. This is hilariously terrifying. Hope he has Viagra.
He flew in from NY last night. We had sex in the back of my car in the airport parking lot and then he fed me fresh Babka (from Breads Bakery) as I drove him home. I can't decide if I love him or Babka more.
IT'S FUCKING BABY SEASON ON FACEBOOK. MY VAGINA WANTS TO THROW UP
Randomize
