mmmm my 21st bday fucking sucks all my best friends are pregnant...selfish assholes. they just couldnt wait til after my bday.
Just did my hair and make up at mcdonalds so we're in the same boat.
Sorry for walking in on you guys last night. FYI I have a bruise on my forehead from having the door slammed in my face. I deserved it.
Showing up at the grocery store at 5am to have the clerk sprint to the condom cabinet waiving the keys because you told him to hurry it was an emergency
I wanna take him on a special date, something that says I banged your brother but since he moved I want you
Triple a is towing cars for free tonight and tomorrow night. Can we take advantage of this ?
Note to self: last nights makeup does NOT, under ANY circumstances, look good today.
Feel better punkin. Your balls will be gently resting on my forehead in no time
If you ever insult pizza rolls again, I will dragon kick you in the throat
His ex-girlfriend just gave his current girlfriend the heimlach omg omg omg help this is so awkward
If I send Ben a tit pic but I do it while wearing a Tom Brady mask is that funny or creepy
You have more time for sex than anyone I know.
Now you can NEVER tell anyone that on thanksgiving I took a selfie of my pussy to prove they don't get worse with babies.
do you think there's enough of the fabric you gave me to make a crop top for a cat?
You fucked him, didn’t you?
He showed up at my house with tacos, rum and a negative Covid test. Of course I fucked him. I’m just a simple girl that likes tacos, not Margaret Thatcher!
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