I wish I had more reasons to start sentences with the phrase, "Here's the thing you've got to remember about cougars ...
Yeah, you spent an hour in front of the mirror trying to reenact the Sailor Moon theme song.
Gonna post on craigs list missed connections - "I was that really drunk bitch that threw up in your car. I'd like to pay for detailing"
first day of class and my professor asked me if i was going to come to class drunk all semester.
Great. Me and the intoxalock guy are getting so close he just said "alright see you later girl!" when I called about getting the blower recallibrated.
I'm pre-party power houring. It's so catchy I couldn't not do it
I didn't realize I was holding it, until I was like, "whose baby is this?"
I have acquired 14 pictures of hard dicks tonight... I was on a mission. Don't even pretend you aren't proud.
We found him in the backyard throwing shoes onto the roof yelling "WHO BRINGS CROCS TO A HOUSE PARTY?!"
When you called me you were telling a hobo that you couldn't spare ten bucks bc that was your beer money. All your words were slurred.
Fuck him.
In my drunk state I was like I ONLY HAD SEX WITH SOMEONE ELSE BECAUSE HE WAS THE HOTTEST GUY IVE EVER EVEN SEEN
Jessica just ate her lipstick. That's how the night is going
If it makes you feel any better they literally are drinking alcohol out of a toilet. They are serving drinks out of a nasty ass toilet...!
Heard about your divorce. Let me know if I can do anything for you or your penis ;-)
I climbed on the arm of the futon, flapping my hand fan frantically and hissing imprecations at the smoke detector
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