Whoa!!! Accidentally took a dump in chick's bathroom at Red Robin. 1 hr for coast to be clear. Women's farts sound like geese taking last breath. Liars.
i think you shook his penis after he was done peeing.
the caf people were giving us weird looks and she yelled ITS A LIFE STYLE
you kept telling us that in dog beers you only had one
great idea involving lots of fake blood and face paint, call me tomorrow.
i'm not sure when i reached "slam my own hand in the door" status but my half attached fingernail is not grateful.
I legitimately forgot how to blow my nose just now. Sleep might be handy.
I am pretty damn sure that neither my body or his body is ready for how drunk I am getting tonight
"Wait, who's gun did I have?" Moments when you re-examine your life choices.
Yeah man it sucked balls. People on the bus probably thought I was fucking crazy. I was fetal position, taking up two seats with no shame whilst simultaneously panting.
She was just a sweet cute intern for us until I saw her naked in my bed the day after the Christmas party
went out to hit golf balls, ended up doing splits at the bar. you're a bad influence.
All I did was call him a fucker when he took my pot. He didn't have to arrest me.
Realization: many of my behaviors would lead to me being stoned to death in a lot of foreign countries. God bless America.
If you think I'm going to drive 5.5 hours just to bang a guy, you'd be absolutely right.
Randomize
