I just tried to pick my 105-lb puppy up and accidentally fingered its asshole
There are some things we keep to ourselves Brian
i think the date started going downhill when i mentioned how many therapists i have
I made the bartender pinky promise me there was still vodka in my drinks.
I think our camping neighbours like us. We're the drunk girls trying to chop firewood with no pants on at 3 in the afternoon.
It's like....nice talking about real estate but your son gave me herpes
We need to pull ourselves out of this slump. We need dick and lots of it. We are going to fuck our way to happiness.
Annnnddddd this chick is using a hand puppet made of a sock to give her research presentation...
Did you fuck him in my garden last night?
That WOULD explain the dirt in my vagina
But the drunk streaking fizzled when one of jake's friends took a piss while running with a massive erection.
I wouldn't marry anyone who wouldn't symbolically fuck a doughnut with a sausage though.
New rule. If he's too busy to put the "H" in "what" then I'm too busy to put his D in me.
I just got promised sex at a fire station tonight so basically all my porn star dreams are coming true.
He said my vagina smelled like pomegranates. Its like my vagina is the fountain of youth.
hey sorry i didnt call i just got out of jail, so you still dtf ?
At what point did i decide poptarts, nyquil, and whiskey was a good idea?
Randomize
