I said ACK before Andy Samberg made it even remotely funny. That tool is stealing all my lines.
Yeah, you've definitely been jizzing in your pants years before he made it socially acceptable
I am one bad relationship away from having 30 cats.
Then my mouth guard fell out of the hole, so that's how the dog poop got in my mouth.
And as you crawled into the bathroom last night you repeatedly said "I know the routine".
Turns out I wasn't throwing up blood, I just threw up so hard it ripped my tonsils. Thank you Jameson.
Who would we be if we didn't go out to drink during finals week? NOBODY
Where are you, who is in my bed, why is he wearing a spandex onesie as underwear, how did i get teethmarks on my forehead, what are we doing tonight?
Somewhere in the night I send my Dad a text stating "YOU failed as a parent"
Until this weekend, a man hadn't made me orgasm since the night Obama was elected. Now THAT is change I can believe in.
Youll thank me when youre dead an dont have a cat eating your face
And noooow we're smoking a ton of REALLY strong weed and THIS IS THE SOFTEST CAT EVER
3 2 1 whiskey
I'm tryna think of an appropriate time to say "when I suck other dicks they seem like training dicks compared to yours" but I really can't think of a good way to say that
I'm thankful I didn't get drunk and shit my pants this year. 🦃
Apparently someone was hiding in a storm drain dressed as Pennywise from it and offering passersby free penis enlargement pills.
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