god I wish I could record you sometimes, you're so neurotic
afterwards we were spooning and he said he wished he was a kangaroo so he cold put me in his pouch and keep me forever. I left as soon as he was asleep.
I just saw a guy in the gym riding the bicycle while watching baseball and dipping.
you can feel better about your life now. i slept with a guy who has gold teeth
it's like a replay of two fridays ago...except not in a motel and i'm not having sex in the shower.
She's riding a tiny four-wheeler and has a Dos Equis in her hand. I at least have to meet her.
And by "got a tattoo" i mean i got a tattoo in the dorm bathrooms with a guy using his cousin's tattoo gun.
1st rule of birth control pills: do not stop taking birth control pills. 2nd rule of birth control pills: do NOT STOP taking birth control pills.
I swear some just paged for more cock rings over the intercom.
the breathalyzer kept saying danger. we made our new slogan danger we need more shots
She had a glow in the dark pastie on her forehead the last time I saw her. That should help you find her.
It's a good thing my liver is flexible because a lesser man would be dead
When you have to have Siri remind you that you're on your period cuz you're so drunk you keep forgetting about tampons it might be time to call it a night.
U just kept yelling her vagina wasn't a priority bc u had a bowl of cheerios calling your name
Remember that gum I swallowed 3 days ago? I just threw it up.... whole.
Randomize
