I'm so bored and have no one to sexy text
38 yer olds are good kisserssss
At first I felt shameful, waking up naked next to a box of oreos and half a can of cake frosting...then I realized, this could be a bigger discovery than Atlantis.
I dont wanna date her. I just wanna be able to run a blacklight over her face and prove ownership.
Just looked at my call log. I called Planned Parenthood at 3am.
One thing i hate about playoff baseball: George Lopez
my cat ate my toast this morning while i was getting dressed. i can already tell today is going to suck.
This is the LAST time i'm accepting the excuse "tequila made me do it". Even tequila thinks buying all of nickelback's itunes singles is fucking retarded
Just got a lecture from Dad about how I need to be more responsible and start buying my weed in larger quantities so that i can save money. Like he was serious and kind of disappointed in me for not adapting to his method earlier.
This is the time you want your cat to have telepathy with you. To know if the guy downstairs left.
I think I've had more sex in your bed than you have and I've only been here three days
Some days, I wish I could get a hug from a furry muppet
He said his parents were apparently coming over to surprise him with breakfast and I’ve never gotten dressed and run out of the door that quickly. I have commitment issues.
Yep, you're going to hell.
I take on this great possibility with a beer in one hand and the girl I'm gonna fuck later in the other
I'll be coming off of 7 days of not drinking. No horse tranqs either. I haven't been this sober since I was in the womb
Randomize
