hey can you give me head? jesse told me that you're really good
who is this?
jesse's little brother
he believed the zit on my nose was a piercing...until he tried to bite it. needless to say he didnt ask for my number
She came to work with 6 additional layers of make-up, playing every Nickelback song about explicit teen sex, and with a dozen twinkies she bet she could finish without chewing any. I'm investing in a rape whistle.
i just sent this text using only my big toe
listen if there's one thing I'm asking of you tonight is that you buy me a cow for my farmville.
Tell me you're stoned. It's 2:40am.
He bought me flowers. The card with it said: Sorry I cant get you off. I will try harder.
she just walked in and said "well, I got peed on again"...
We already established this. No, he did not cum on the dog.
There's two big trays of water in our freezer. I just hope they freeze by Saturday. for the ice luge.
its Wednesday...
they're reeeeeally big trays
You had salsa out and brought a banana on a plate to bed
MEET ME OUTSIDE YOUR HOUSE IN THREE MINUTES. BE DRUNK. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
Our innocent game of 'Duck, duck, booze.' ended up not being so innocent
Oh my god I found my bf's erotica
OH MY GOD HE WROTE THIS EROTICA.
OH MY GOD THIS IS GOOD EROTICA.
You don't marry someone you don't want to fuck senseless this is 2014 dammit
I take it you're alive?
Mostly. Can't quite control my arms.
Randomize
