its good for cellulite if you don't wear underwear. its true
You can bone my sister, but I will end our friendship if you write 'LOLERS' one more time at the end of your texts.
She gave me a blow job and her mom gave me blueberry muffin afterwards. I love them.
you were passed out in your cheese fries by the time he brought out your second order of french toast.
He said "ride me pocahontas" while I was on top of him last night
I was so stoned on the way to work, I pretended you were in the car with me. We sang "Mrs. Jackson" by outkast.
Just thought you should know, Im with josh now. Im no longer available for rent. I have a full time tenant now. Like, a year long lease at least.
Why did you not tell me that video snapchats are a thing? This is a fucking game changer for my mobile sex life.
No one's ever called me intergalactic cocksucker, before.
What does it say about me that I feel completely charmed right now?
He sent me nudes and I told him he reminded me of Buffalo Bill.
I don't know if I'm more excited about getting chipotle or about getting laid
THE SUPER HOT BARTENDER WHO LOOKS LIKE RYAN GOSLING JUST WALKED IN. BUT HE DOESNT EVEN WALK HE GLIDES. LIKE AN ANGEL.
I just blacked back in and I'm at a kids birthday party in a suit and people are calling me uncle Carl. Never having your homemade liquor again.
And you know what the worst part is? Because of him I can now relate to a goddamn Taylor Swift song. FUCK. MY. LIFE.
I was so drunk I asked my mom if she had always been my mom or if it was someone else for a while
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