i will never coherently bang her
Someone just proposed in Subway. Trying not to laugh.
You said eat breakfast. So i poured Baileys on top of m&m's. It taste just like like cereal I swear.
Either I put my underwear on inside out and wore it like that all day, or I had sex with him. Its sad I have to guess.
My mother walked into the bathroom at 345 am while I was splashing in the bathtub with the remnants of her birthday cake all over me... she looked at me and walked out...
Apparently I texted my high school english teacher asking her to tell me what logical fallacies she taught us three years ago.
So I just did the math and everything in this room except the computer and my clothes has been in my vagina
I don't think anybody else enjoys making out with multiple guys on the same night as much as I do. I'm like a wine taster but with lips... it's like art to me. The bruise on my upper lip is proof of it
I peed in a 7/11 last night. Like literally pretended I pretended I was shopping, looked around, and peed on boxes in the corner. No more tequila
If you haven't gone to the store yet. Can you PLEASE get me some clippers my balls will thank you later
Is this the 6 foot tall blonde I screwed in the bar last weekend?
In the bar?! Very impressive! But keep guessing!
He showed up to a baby shower and kept telling everyone he was late because he was pregaming. And then tried honking the pregnant girls tits
I still hate everything and everyone around me. Krampus taught me nothing.
Do you think telling guys I'm majoring in magic is a good pickup line?
None of what you just said was coherent
I just bought wine at a gas station what the hell do you expect
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