I told a kindergarten student that candy canes are bones of reject elves.
if she mentions anything about chili and my phone, just go with it
how many americans can say they have been laid before eating their first big mac?
Do you think my job would send me for a second drug test if i took a whole pumpkin pie to work for lunch tomorrow?
A burger king employee called me from your phone while you were on their bathroom floorl. Hope ur not in jail....4 realz
Uhh, there's a legit bruise on my boob.. Again how does he manage this
at least you know where his tattoos end, so it wasn't a complete waste of time.
I just made a cocktail. Had one shot of vodka left. It looked lonely so I decided to reunite it with its vodka friends in my bloodstream.
Starting the day at 1:44 in the afternoon. With a hot pocket and a mixer. Who knew my life had this kind of possibility.
I feel like passing out with my foot on your face has bonded us at a very fundamental level.
His legs actually look hot in that dress. He might even make a better girl than Josh
I just tried to roll over and fell off the bed. I think that is the beds way of kicking me out
She was about to leave with you until you started singing "You Hoes Ain't Loyal" in her face
Did we do drunk science last night? There's tequila in the test tubes...
some guy had a sword and everyones crying..it turned bad..fast.
Are you still passed out in my back seat, or do I need to come find you?
Randomize