i'm pretty sure the devil's penis is california-shaped
is it bad if my mug shot looks better than my profile picture?
She called me Jeff during sex, I just kept going like nothing happened. To think, if I was a woman that would be a problem.
Had a booty call cancel on me tonight. Said he hurt his back. So this is what single and 30-something is like. Suck.
I've officially done it all, fucked a girl wearing a twister board. ABC parties are amazing!
He's telling everyone that the only reason he's at this party is to hook up with me. SOS HELP.
Sometimes you gotta take mushrooms and swim on a rooftop pool to figure out your relationship
You're not stopping till I see you on the ground trying to hold on to shit
I yelled out look at all those hickeys. And then gave her boyfriend a high five
All three of us got laid last night. This is what is commonly referred to as the Trifuckta.
Woke up pants less in the vacant apartment across the hall. It was unlocked because they were showing it to someone. When they walked in I woke up and said "this is a great place to live" and walked out
We go out and drink, fuck, and I stay the night. He agrees to it because he knows I'll hook him up to IV fluids in the morning. Everyone wins
I told him I want him to read me my Miranda rights while he's fucking me. Act exactly like he does while he's on duty except with his dick out.
Yeah. I fucked her boyfriend, she knows, and she still wants to keep dating him. That's love.
Sorry I didn't have my phone all night. Did we hang last night?
You bit me
Oh lord I need to hear this story
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