Do you have any idea why the dryer isn't working?
Because you touch yourself at night.
I wonder if there will ever be a day where I don't find lisps really really hilarious.
Im rethinking drunk tuesdays. Also rethinking ovaries.
I looked at you and you stared at me dead in the eyes then sprayed febreze at your crotch and winked.
Omg calling you in 10 to update you on who I peed on last night
I feel like my lungs want to punch me in the vagina.
is that even a sentence?
figured you should hear this from me. Your refrigerator door is way broken. I opened it last night when i was drunk and tried to climb the shelves. i got to the one with the mustard.
Me and tommy were trying to figure out why our printer was jammed, found a condom stuck in the paper slot. #collegeprobs
I just love that it's Veterans Day because I know in my heart that I have serviced some of their brethren in the dirtiest, hottest, most shameful ways possible.
Like, yea, let's talk sexy but also...LOOK! I SAW A CAT!
I'm really going to need you to stop yelling Campari.
Was it you that ate my bacon or do I have to rip my roommate's face off?
I just ate the lyft drivers bacon cheeseburger. Well fuck me this night escalated quickly.
You wouldn't happen to know why there's an inflatable monkey riding a mattress on my roof would you?
I just sent a Slack that autocorrected tomorrow to gonorrhoea. Please note that Slack autocorrect isn’t very good.
Randomize
