If I had a sex resume I'd get tons of jobs.
I don't think you know how difficult it is to pee in poncho..
My one night stand found me at the library and randomly gave me plan B. He was scared I was going to get pregnant because he has a very high sperm count.
I changed the background on my phone to a picture of you so whenever I go to look at porn or text another girl I'll have second thoughts
Am I supposed to find that romantic?
Yes but that point is quickly negated bc u should never have to search more than one room to find your underwear.
Listen. I don't care if its "nontoxic" im not putting it in my fucking vagina.
Literally everyone in the bar was absolutely hammered out of their minds. I swear I even saw the bartender swigging jd when he thought no one was looking. And there was me thinking Britain was the booziest nation in the world.
Welcome to America. You're gonna love it.
Jk. Anyone who everbeers with me is my type.
Would it be appropriate to cancel a hookup to watch the golden globes?
absolutely. tina fey and amy poehler trump everything.
Hey, I told her the bathroom was a "No fly zone" after I used it. She willingly allowed her nose to go through that pain. It's her fault, she only supplied me with vodka when she knows I only drink rum.
You remember the guy they called Meat in high school? Well, let's just say my vagina remembers him now.
Really? A fat girl?
I'm walking her back. Chill out.
She is a nice girl okay. For some reason we are in my room though.
You randomly sent me a black Santa Claus emoji at 2am. I think alcohol was involved.
Is it weird that I shop for lingerie by thinking if it will look good on both me and your floor?
No. Not at all.
What did you delete my number or something
Oh honey. What makes you think I saved in in the first place?
Randomize
