so her cute freckles turned out to be blackheads
Roman Polanski is more welcome at my daughter's birthday party than you are at that bar
Alright, so what's my next move? I already posted a Milli Vanilli video on her wall
Ima go for a jog. and I'm going to jog until I throw up a lung. then I'll crawl home.
I am not going to ask my mother to pause a movie so I can have phone sex.
Took out half a tooth with a handle of jim beam last night. Apparently I can't walk and chug bourbon at the same time
Just woke up next to a girl with 30 hot dogs in my bed. Vodka you win again.
He might not have any marketable talents, but the kid dry humps like no other.
Every now and then I'll meet one who is talented in the art of shower gymnast.
There is an alarming amount of food in my bra.
We played Rock Paper Scissors to see who would have to go down on the other person.
You gonna smoke this blunt? Or are you gonna keep doing Kung-fu in my kitchen?
He just said "I can't wait to penetrate you tomorrow" I sat in silence for a second...he attempted to save it by saying "I can't wait to enter you".
fyi: first time in five days i havent washed my birth control down with liquor. when are we going out tonight?
Don't read too much into what I just sent. I love you, always have, but I'm drunk and sorry for the confusion.
Which part? The boyfriend or the sex?
Boyfriend. SEX IS ON!!!
Randomize
