I'm at a crab and wine festival with my dad. He just introduced me as his girlfriend to all of his co-workers. I am so drunk I thought he was serious.
Women are like Alzheimers patiens. You can compliment them a million times in a day, but the next day is always a wash, you have to start all over.
tequila makes my crab dance SOOOO much better
her underwear stopped being sexy when i saw her pubes sticking out of the top.
Let's put it this way, it's 9am and that box of wine looks like the cure
Im drinking a large pickle jar full of Emergency, water and left over pickle juice and I dont care.
He told me something must be wrong, because no one had seen my boobs yet
Seriously why is the deadbolt locked. This is the second time I'm having to sleep on the porch using my boots as my pillow. I can't wait till the next time your drunk.
Shhh, I'm sleeping. Just let it happen Jess.
Remember that time we became friends because I shotgunned a Tall Boy in your bathroom?
Those memories are both hazy and awesome.
So I'm not dead, but close call. I think I can handle one more bar.
Dude... She just sent me a story of how she wants to fuck me on a boat and call me her captain.. Well ahoy mateys, lets set sail
He was the only one not on Xanax so he holds the key to what actually happened last night
Caprisun cuts tequila surprisingly well...
I just woke up butt-naked in bed with a guy I've never seen..I reached into my bag next to the bed to get my phone and found a bag of shrooms, a handle of vodka, and 600 dollars that I've never seen. what do I do
enjoy it.
I'm going to tell you a beautiful word.
Fellatio.
Randomize
