Public safety found my id!
And i can't find my bra so i'm assuming they found my bra with my id which would explain the disapproving tone the lady on the phone had.
sometimes i wish i was a boob, they get to chill in soft and cuddly little cup things.
Sad news: I might have to institute a "once-per-day" policy on getting trashed downtown. Sorry, reputation.
I'm soaked in champagne. I'm eating oatmeal from mcdonalds tonight was glorious
Guys always stop talking to me right around the point that if they bought me food a couple times I would probably have sex with them.
You, me, naked, mistletoe, fifth of jack, gallon of lube, condoms, Cheetos, handcuffs, rope, along with no morals, inhibition or judgment. That's all I want for Christmas.
No it was fine, I've just never seen that many people eat dog food
You know i love you, but i just cannot fuck you until your eyebrow grows back. It's too hard not to laugh.
I changed his name in my phone to "Irrelevant" last night. Not changing it back.
Can I fire a pigeon out of a t shirt gun?
George Washington did not fight for our freedom just to have people shit themselves all night
He finally left. I didn't introduce him to the roommate. The sex is bad. I don't want him to feel welcome
nobody put me to bed and I ended up peeing on a tree and got written up
I would fuck him just for his dog
she referred to her cum as “pussy butter” so needless to say we had a good night
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