Princesses don't give blow jobs
last night i found out that about 5 of my friends audio recorded us having sex through the bedroom door, then auto tuned it in the tpain app on his iphone.
We were all singing so you said you were going to play a percussion instrument... the crackers.
Look, we all have our slutty phases. Mine is just forever.
Helped an old lady on crutches throw away her mcdonalds, carried her stuff to the car and helped her get in...most productive cinco de mayo hands down
Our logic class started an hour ago, I walked out and found my sister drunk, sitting down, eating m&ms, afraid to walk in... I want her life
There is only one good excuse for how sore I am right now. And that is incredibly acrobatic sex. Unfortunately for me that is not my excuse.
I offered to buy ihop waffles for all the homeless people outside the metro. It was time to go to bed.
I wonder what it's like for my roommate to live bicuriously thro my sex life
Had the longest conversation today with a potentially homeless cuban woman about mind control.
My puffy vagina and I are on the way to the doctor to see what your mutant penis did to us THANKS A LOT
Currently sitting in the movie theatre bathroom while she gives him a blowjob in the parking lot. Don't ever tell me I'm a bad friend.
I have straight up perfected the art of amazing manicures with shaky-as-fuck adderall hands. Also, I'm way too proud of this.
He walked upstairs in nothing but his boxers and drunkenly asked my brother for a condom....so much for a good first impression.
whoever decided snowing in 90 percent of campus on a night when the streets are flowing with tequila and skittles was clearly not an R.A.
Randomize