Some guy just watched me feed 30 dimes and 3 quarters for bread and cheese at the self checkout at walmart. I no longer comprehend shame...
Turns out vomit takes off spray tan.
After the tests come back negative, you guys will look back on this evening with fond memories...
Did you write "I hope this gives you aids" on my box of capn crunch?
So if you ever need to know a guy who knows a guy who knows a guy that can put a 24oz beer can up his ass... Hit me up...
You showed up at 4 a.m with two middle-aged men, a 200 dollar bottle of wine, three bottles of beer, no shoes on, and a half eaten red velvet cake.You are never drinking absinthe again.
I thought I could grab a hold of my stream of urine. So she left pretty soon after that.
I am sleeping in the bathtub because my bed is too soft.
So yeah he had good weed?
My nonexistent future grandchildren will one day ask me when I knew I'd lost control of my life. And now I know.
Maybe because you rubbed my clit while we were making churros
Swimming turned traumatic when grampas shorts slipped off..
My early Valentine's Day one night stand just took an uber home. Thank you, technology, for letting me enjoy this day in peace. 😍
Only thing exciting about him was his dick.
I need a job that does not involve working with people who wear animal costumes when they get fucked.
Yeah I either headbutted a street sign while texting or I defended you two from an evil gang of nazi muggers. I was black out so I am gonna assume it was option b.
Randomize