Hookup with hot guy from gym, check. Wake up to find he's peed in my closet, double check.
The stripper on stage Is eating a mozzarella stick while on the pole....that's a new level of I don't give a fuck
Things you are not allowed to do while im gone: sell cats on ebay, put cats in freezer again, shave cats like lions, dye cats pink/blue, try to light cats on fire to"wake them up from their nap" agian
you were cooking a hot pocket with a grill lighter what did you want me to do
If I have to take him to the hospital, I'm drawing dicks on his face
i'm using salt from the free peanuts to stop the bleeding.
Just a heads up, the coffee pot is filled with Jager.
But Monday we'll be living in a post-apocalyptic hellscape. Also, I'm going to a champagne tasting.
My 16 year old coworker just told me I should take my job more seriously after she watched me puke in the backroom trash can. Fuck teenagers with morals.
I need to cry about outer space to someone. Can I call you?
You know it is an interesting night when the 911 operator calls you
Thats alot of pressure.
Just on your vagina. BTW I'm passing your house.
He shit with the door open. I think that means we are in a realtionship.
Its 7am I'm awake still drunk, there is food, random clothing and road cone in my room. I can't decide if this is a failure or a success???
All I want right now is a waffle and some fried chicken and a penis.
Randomize
