Life lesson #57: drinking whisky out of apples leads to threesomes.
Would you still love me if I had no teeth
Yeah why?
Cuz i woke up this morning and a few are gone
she used her cellphone as a light to find my clit under the sheets. worst.lesbian.ever.
a girl is trying to cook hot pockets in a saute pan on the stove.
My dinner guests were so drunk they never realized that I inadvertantly put Frosted Mini Wheats on the salad instead of crutons.
Im going to buy a thermometer. If its above 104 im going to the hospital if its under 104 im going to the bar
I feel like I've wasted too many painkillers on hangovers
Alive.
So much puke
Lets now bow our heads and think of girls with ex boyfriends who were great at fingering them. That's so sad.
The wizard has you scheduled for a 6am sex breakfast
I'm so there
He doesn't drink liquor so instead of doing a body shot off my belly button he dropped water in there and sipped it out with a straw. Look at my face: =|
Jesus Christ. If I were a normal sex-having person, I'd think I was knocked up. I'm cycling through emotions like I'm in a decathlon to crazy.
I made everything so magnificently awkward in under 15 seconds. I am magic.
There was a slutty maid costume on the floor when I woke up, but the house was trashed. Either she's been fired or got promoted, I'm not sure which.
He's a fucking ninja- think of the things he can probably do with his dick.
Randomize
