Did Neil Armstrong say the moon was too far away! NO! He built himself a fucking rocketship is what he did!
I just wanna buy a tempur-pedic so i can drink in bed and not spill
"must pass the hog line" should not only be used in curling. but also when we go out to pick up girls.
your stepbrother is rimming his martinis with coke... keeps saying "thank god its tuesday". where does funemployment end and intervention begin?
i want the original willy wonka imagination song to come on when i take a girl to my room
She's yelling about threesomes and realllly wants you to come over. Put the pieces together.
Do you remember that time on the drunk bus when I kept thanking the bus driver for serving our country?
Do you remember calling me and dedicating a shot to me?
don't be alarmed if you come back and i'm passed out drunk and naked cuddling with the franzia.
I think im gonna bang this 35 year old at a kids birthday party in the bathroom at this house while the kids open the presents.
If by "Are you drunk?" you mean "Did you just faceplant in the checkout line at Target?" the answer is yes.
I apologized to him for my lack of boobs after he felt me up
Everything is covered in gelatin and pam cooking spray. Jesus be a shield.
My uterus just tried to get me to buy a tub of cookie dough
I'm just hoping that with all the times he's puked in my yard a mushroom field might grow.
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