Well the candle wax mightve been sexy if he didn't drop the candle and light half my bed on fire
i love how he claims to not know english but when i ask him to come over and fuck me he's all of a sudden fluent
aaaannd alcoholism beats pride. it's like grown-up rock, paper, scissors
I'm just high and in my robe and I would suck a dick for some pizza rolls. I can't talk about your problems right now
bad sex. bad bad bad. it was like trying to pick up an overcooked noodle with an empty pringles can. why do these guys always seem to find me?
Why do I love Florida? Because I just quit my job because it's too pretty a day to go to work and I'm going to the beach to eat seafood and drink beer.
Topless dodge ball cldnt top that
Is selling savings bonds for acid money something a normal person does?
I just used bulldog clips for nipple clamps. Also, a wooden spoon as a paddle. DYI Domination or Ghetto Bondage?
I was so ripped I had a natty light box over my head carrying a spray bottle out in the streets trying to give car washes.
Yeah I was just reminiscing about that time a seagull shit on your head at the beach
I came home in someone else's underwear this morning
Atleast you got a souvenir
Now, I know I say this a lot, but you've obviously never seen my penis.
THE SUN DOESNT SET TIL 647 YAAAAASSSSSSSSSS. Goodbye seasonal depression hello regular depression
In a meeting I sneezed and my tooth hit the floor. I don't think anyone noticed. I would still like to die now.
Randomize
