This martini tastes like the bartender stirred it with his foreskin.
The last shot i remember taking was toasted to "love, sex, and magic". Needless to say I was 0 for 3 on that toast for the night.
we talked about european history as he fucked me from behind in the shower... i think it was a success
You bring the bicep workout. I'll bring the unscented gentle products. We'll both bring our penises.
its not a holiday until ive ruined the family picture because im drunk
I can't do a walk of shame with a sombrero full of baby chickens
BTW. If I show up really drunk and dressed a cowboy, don't be alarmed
It's official, the cities waste management does not recycle porn.
High with mom again. She's giving me relationship advice.
drinking vodka, listening 2 smh at 530am slow cooking beef stew. you'll enjoy the stew and worry abt me in the morning. bon apatite
wtf... you literally introduced yourself as "that friend who's going to fuck all your other friends."
I hope you know that means regardless of their gender.
Happy Halloween!! Last Halloween we spent together you got brought home in a shopping cart
All I got was pictures of my boss and dicks. So, that was the end of snapchat.
If a cop comes up to me I'm whipping out my cock, swinging it around and singing the national anthem
There are regrets.. and there are RAGRETS
Randomize
