worst experience of my life. her nipples were sick. kinda like a venn diagram
i wish my penis had a tongue
I woke up with the wrong plaid-shirted guy in my bed.
I'm full of awesome ideas
Yesss you are. Im full of confusion. I keep finding peanut butter on my legs...
the cops didn't wanna shut the tailgate down but the strippers weren't allowed to take money without a license or somthing
I'm sorry the first time we hungout you had to witness me throw up in the ocean then army crawl to shore.
Im in mikes bed telling my vagina I'm sorry in advance.
Just walked into a random hotel for the free breakfast. How was your night?
MEAN GIRLS IS ON NETFLIX! I REPEAT, MEAN GIRLS IS ON NETFLIX! THIS IS NOT A DRILL! I LITERALLY NOW HAVE TO CANCEL ALL OF MY WEEKEND PLANS.
Someone just asked me why I drink so much. Im gonna slap a bitch
I was in the rappers prayer circle. Then they're blunt circle
im in DESPERATE NEED OF A COMPANION RIGHT NOW I’M MOTHER FUCKING TRIPPING SOLID GOLD BALLS
When i was leaving for work this morning, i realized the neighbor was passed out drunk, with no pants, and a half eaten whopper on my lawn. Knowing that hey..we have all been there before.. i decided to give him a pillow and a blanket rather than wake him up.
i am not an asshole. i paid for her to take a cab home.
dude, we were in ann arbor. she's from cincinnati. ten bucks didn't even get her back on I-94. i maintain my position. you are indeed an asshole.
sometimes i like to lay one the floor and pretend im a carrot.
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