apparently it's not kosher to shit in a litter box when there's a line for the bathroom
i leave for school in 3 days. if you want your annual goodbye blow job you should probably call me
i want to swaddle you in tequila
I just realized I have yet to puke in your new apartment. Clearly we're doing something wrong. On my way over with Cuervo as I type.
you left a paper here that says 'to do list' but it looks like you just wrote "drink a bunch of cough syrup and watch Who's the Boss" like 60 times
This girl did not understand, once police sirens go on, road-head needs to STOP
I thought of you this morning when I woke up in a bed with a girl wrapped in duct tape dressed as a coors light can.
High gym went like this: I went to Dairy Queen instead.
It'd be easier to list the surfaces my ass hasn't been on.
Why aren't you two playing Dora the explorer with each other's genitals yet?
Waking up with cheese all over my clothes and my vibrator in my pants is a sign we drank way too much tequila last night
Don't worry my mom is buying me a vasectomy for Christmas
They say find what you're good at... Evidently that's showing up late for everything, drinking, and eating cheese for me.
Lost and found: pink cotton underwear next to my bed and soaking wet Reebok socks or boxers in a plastic bag...in my fridge🤔
Then it hit me - his penis wasn't a shiny new toy anymore and I wanted a new one.
Randomize
