ill give you a foot job if you come over before 4
I saw him at work today and he gave me a really awkward "I know what you do drunk" look...
I just threw up, I'm either bulemic or pregnant, and I'm now accepting bets on which it is
I lost of the blow last night. Found it later in my bag labeled Fairy Dust.
It just sucks seeing everyone get flowers but me...
yeah, but they die. it takes a while, but they die. just like all of these kids relationships will. tequila doesnt die. its a live in the moment thing... like a valentines day one night stand. so long run, tequila is the better gift.
The reason i havent seen you yet better have huge tits
I would literally rather jam a rusty rail road spike into my cock than be here right now. The whore showed up and now I might smash my iPhone into my face repeatedly until I'm no longer consisting of any sort of life.
I cannot tell if the couch is cold or I spilled beer. THAT kind of night.
Is tonight a drink a little and reminisce kinda night, or a drink everything and pray kinda night?
I AM A HOUSE CAT. I CANNOT DO THIS LION BUSINESS WE CALL THE SINGLE LIFE
I'm hoping you were seen by someone holding a frozen turkey at 230 in the morning
Well. I mean as excuses for running late go, 'losing track of time in the bathhouse' has gotta be up there on the top ten.
I made it to work. Still drunk. Definitely pregnant.
That was just an endearing nickname I called you before. I'm not gonna call you a filthy slut now that you are one, I don't want to hurt your feelings.
i think you might have coined the term "slightly awkward pyromania"
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