there should be a relationship option on facebook "stillllll in a relationship"
I woke up covered in my own vomit with a pocket full of napkins. I guess I knew I would need them, but was not coherent enough to use them before passing out.
Who has a video camera? i want to look back on this one day and say OH thats why i spent 2 years in jail
I'm considering telling her about my dream where I made a sex tape with her boyfriend. you know to test our friendship
Well if my looks don't work with her I'll eat the 50 nuggets to impress her fat roommate.
The bad decision stars are too close to aligning to risk this tonight.
I'll be gone when you wake up but you hit a girl so I knocked you out. Never hit a girl. Unless it's with your penis.
Best compliment ever: Being told that you really understand sex by a professional. After she gave you a HANDJOB.
He doesn't drink liquor so instead of doing a body shot off my belly button he dropped water in there and sipped it out with a straw. Look at my face: =|
I'm going to book club and then I'm going to get laid. Being in your 20s ain't so bad sometimes.
A seagull just tried to steal my cellphone
went out to hit golf balls, ended up doing splits at the bar. you're a bad influence.
On my way to return shoes I bought so that I can afford to buy a pregnancy test. Is this adulthood?
So what if you don't want to be with your family. Go drink alone and watch Netflix like a normal person, don't be productive!
How long do I have to listen to him talk about the chickens before telling him I just really want to fuck? Note: it's already been twelve minutes.
Randomize
